Alice Sara Ott - why you shouldn't judge a book by its cover

'No one's perfect', now a phrase thrown out of my books.

After finally seeing Alice perform live at the Royal Festival Hall today after an almost 2 year wait, I believe I, in all 19 earnest years of my life, have seen perfection in the face. She absolutely STUNNED in a bright red floor length gown, a perfect bob haircut and perfect figure, with her mischievous personality on full display.

If you think this is gonna be another rant about some other amazing piano prodigy, then you're right, but this one's special, because it's Alice Sara Ott.

I discovered Alice randomly on an article I read way back, when I was a newfound fangirl of Chopin and someone had rated her as 'one of the best interpreters of Chopin alive'. What made her instantly stand out to me as was that at first glance, she seems like a naive, graceful young pianist with an extraordinary talent. Her photoshoots do no justice to her actual playing as they all portray her as this dainty creature shrouded in grace and as the Pianist magazine put it, 'an air of remarkable serenity'. Which is why I was incredibly shocked when I actually heard her playing. It also sparked my interest as to why she always plays the piano barefooted, and why as pretty much a newbie, she chose to replace Lang Lang at such short notice when she knew there would be handfuls of critics sitting in the concert hall waiting to judge her.

In real life, Alice has in fact got a sassy punch of attitude to her generally determined personality. In her interviews, it's quite obvious but it's even more obvious when she's delivering a piece of music on the piano. I think the Times critic gave a good summary:

"There's a beauty, and mischief too, in her playing, which rings out with a freedom, fluidity and lack of contrivance which is entirely refreshing."

Today at the concert, even though I had rubbish seats and could only see her back, I was still entirely taken away by her interpretations of Schumann and Schubert. In a classical sense, her playing is almost 'wild' and uncontrolled, as if she hadn't taken notice of rhythmic structures and was playing completely based on her gut instincts, but when you close your eyes Schumann was still there looking at you in the face. It's an elevating sense of freedom and liberation which is just so damn refreshing to hear in a formal concert hall. There was something very impetuous about her dynamics which I thought really worked with the pieces she picked today. Especially in Mussorgsky's Pictures at An Exhibition - I thought that piece could be written for her.

There was one thing she keeps reiterating in her interviews which gave me a deep impression. She said that music to her is a form of communication. When she was younger, she felt that no one could really understand her, and when she heard a piano concert for the first time, she felt if she mastered the art, she would be able to make people understand her better. I believe that this type of communication is what makes classical music still so well loved today. People sit down in concert halls nowadays not to only hear that famous piece of music that's been around for centuries, but to hear the musical personality of the musician that is playing the piece, and how it is communicated to them. Why does Ott's interpretation sound different to Horowitz's? Why was this phrase played at such dynamics/tempo in this rendition? People who pay to hear live music should all be (or at least I hope so) looking for answers to such questions.

I think what the musicians do to deliver a piece is just as important as how the composer wanted the piece to be delivered. It's the same for fashion. A designer wouldn't create a top so that a certain type of person could wear it. It would be more meaningful to see how people of all sorts would wear this top, how people can make this one top unique to them. With music it's often a heart wrenching decision to decide whether to play a piece how the composer wanted you to play it, or play how you feel like playing it. Being the young, stubborn pianist Alice is, she obviously chose the latter, and I give her full credit for it. Why should a person living in the 21st century play based on the instructions of a dead man? Alice has the right to perform the piece the way she likes. If something from the piece speaks out to her, she has all the right and ability to tell the audience 'listen to THIS bit'.

I often get livid about this, but honestly I think this sort of respect for musicians is just so entirely lacking in the current classical world. Music is all about technique and interpretation, but at the end of the day 'interpretation' just becomes another technique. We are all so worked up by technique that we lose sight of more important things in music. Beethoven didn't write a piece because he wanted all pianists who played it to be technically perfect. It's often more accurate to guess that inspiration for that piece came to Beethoven in the form of a memory, feeling or dream that was entirely spontaneous. With such foundations, I fail to understand why some people get so angry that a piece was delivered 'too emotionally' or 'glosses over important musical technicalities'. Take a look at this frustrating critic of Ott on The Guardian:

"No on expects a pianist in her early 20s, however prodigiously talented, to be the finished article. Yet Alice Sara Ott's recital was still a bit of a disappointment, not because of any weaknesses in the German-Japanese pianist's playing - her technique is as buoyantly brilliant as her recordings suggest - but because too often, even in a programme that had clearly been chosen to showcase the extrovert side of her pianism, it allowed her to skate over the surface of the music without hinting at what lay beneath."

If a concert is CHOSEN to showcase something you expect, and in the end you see what you expect to see, what is the point of going at all? We don't live to hear the same pieces delivered in the same ways it had been done for hundreds of years, or even what we EXPECT should be delivered. We go to concerts with a blank mind and let the musician fill it up with THEIR ideas. Hence why we go and listen to THEIR playing in the first place.

He then continues to criticise her on how her rendition of Mozart's Duport Variations K573 "hardly seem like late Mozart at all", and how her Beethoven Sonata Op 2 No 3 "didn't give the slow movement the space it needed [...] there was something perfunctory about the way everything was presented, with no sense of music threatening to redefine the boundaries of classical sonata form as Beethoven did in these early works." It's as if he came to the concert expecting her to be Mozart or Beethoven or something. How did he know Ott deliberately didn't want to play as if she's redefining boundaries of sonata form? Why should she anyway? Maybe playing 'like' Mozart was not what she wanted to convey to her audience. I don't even think it's a rebellious move from her trying to be different. I just think her being honest to herself through music.

The fact that Alice has lived through these harsh criticism and is still flourishing in her own intrepid musical style makes me support her all the more. The fact that she is still touring increasingly more continents and is welcomed by an expanding fanbase gives me hope that maybe, just maybe, other people out there also see the importance of a musician's personality rather than technique and ability to mimic the composers. Through her interviews, I could tell she's a very brave girl, knows her direction in life and is very honest to herself. All these qualities I wish I could perfect on.

Music wise I'm nowhere near as talented as her, but I do think we think in similar ways in many aspects. For example we both think that music is played and listened to best in the dark with no 'visual distractions'. We both believe that practising comes down to self motivation, and not whether your family is rich enough to buy you a Steinway or whether or not your family members are musicians. Personally for me, music is a haven where I escape to from my crazy life, and she seems to think similarly. In her interview with The Telegraph she talked about the dangers of the modern culture - women at airports with their heads buried in their BlackBerries, 'who don't breathe, who don't take time to think'. I'm pretty thankful that I realised these dangers too, especially since my future is going to be 100% in the financial sector, so that in the future I will not be making the same mistakes.

She sees music as a universal thing with no boundaries and no segregation - I remember my music illiterate mother looking at my violin music and telling me 'it doesn't matter what language you speak. This sheet music is something musicians from across the globe will understand'. On this topic Alice says:

"If you hear music in a concert hall, you can forget time, you can forget your own language, your culture, and your own skin colour... it makes no difference which country I'm in." 

This cut from the Telegraph interview also stood out to me:

"Growing up in two cultures, she also found a refuge. 'In Germany people sometimes call me "ching-chang-chong", their expression for Chinese, which I have got used to now, but which used to freak me out. They think Asian people are all the same. And in Japan people are shocked that I speak Japanese. In music it doesn't matter what nationality you have. It is more important what you want to say and who you are. With music I was welcomed everywhere. We were talking in a language above all this hate and racism."

It's quite remarkable how she uses music to distance herself from racism. I live in London and am pursuing a career in the finance, so it's pretty much on a daily basis that I get racist remarks from everyone at every place imaginable (even today when I was at M&S the man who served me said 'happy new year!' followed by some incoherent blubbering which he presumed was Chinese). As a result I feel extremely privileged to know so many music lovers at my uni who I can talk about and play music with without having to touch on our cultural differences, and so happy that I have Alice as an idol who thinks in the same way as I do about music.

About her playing barefoot, she says it's because she wants to treat each piano as a person, and it helps her to feel closer to the instrument. Which I kinda understand even as a violinist, because for example I've never played the violin with gloves on.

I sincerely wish Alice all the best in the future and I hope she shines bright in this industry, and at the end of this journey get all the happiness and freedom she deserves. I hope she never changes her impulsive, gut-instinctive way of playing because it's what makes her so perfect in her own way!

Some clips of Alice playing:

Liszt

Beethoven

Liszt with interview:

Two Kinds of Happiness

Want not waste not.

These days I've been trying to live with discipline. Shifting out of lazy habits and greed for sumptuous things. I find that having material things you want doesn't make you happier in the long run. I own way too many things and as time goes by they can only pile up unloved in some corner of your room.

Taking pleasure out of a daily routine rather than feeling claustrophobic, I feel it's a good mindset to go about a busy uni life. I try to notice every little thing that makes me feel happy, eg a conversation that made me laugh, or that little peek of sunshine lighting up the London skyline on a grey day. Looking at life before my eyes through a pinhole makes me concentrate on what I need to do at present. It's a weird phenomenon but I sometimes feel exhilarated when I have to do a lot of work and a 9 hour library session awaits me. I want to wake up early and immerse myself in new knowledge and new activities. The humdrum of the cafe in the early mornings brings alive a latent source of energy that I never knew I had. I'm learning to understand that it's the outcome of studying that makes me happy, and not the pain of the process that makes me weary. Keeping busy will naturally free your mind. You grant yourself freedom, I don't think anyone can give it to you. Not yearning for freedom is the easiest way out.

Sticking to a routine religiously made me realise that the little things I do out of the blue is ever more fun and memorable. I like devoting to my routine but not being a slave to it. It's hard at times but at the end it's always worth it. Time is so precious and we only have one chance at everything, and even though sometimes I think I'm wasting my time doing a lot of things, I know that every single thing I do and learn in the past shapes my mind and actions of today and tomorrow. Everything is relative and at some point in the future, something will give and tie up these loose ends.

Desire and reward
Long term and short term joy.
Don't you give in
You're beginning.

你是谁

每个人也许都曾在某个时刻乞求过什么，这个可怕的循环并不是个恶意的恶作剧，它恰恰是因为这些乞求而被制造出来的施舍游戏。人生的际遇充满了偶然性，每一条岔路都是一次性的选择而无回头的可能，自以为走上错路的你并不知道下个路口是否有真正重要的东西正在等待你。一叶障目是无法站在上帝视角的你我不能回避的命运，我们看见的永远只是一个复杂多面体投影在墙壁上的影子，无法进行阶跃的你我不会知道那些隐藏在历史角落的细节。刚爬上更高楼层的你在回头看路上的曲曲回回时，可能会发现正是过去的每一步，才铸就了现在的自己。

Money vs. Mozart

Early start today and I thought I'd update this barren land as a brain warm up session.

It's already half way through the summer and I've had both fun and regrets. The month straight after exams had just been a total nightmare with having to sort out accommodation for next year. Aside from literally removing the whole of my room from halls back home (believe me it was like an evacuation mission), I've painfully endured roughly 30 days of 8am mornings trying to get an early start on the letting agency lines. Flats around London go like hot potatoes, and unless you're an aristocrat that can pay up to £300 a week, no hope for you unless you torment yourself a bit.

So finally I've settled on one, frustration finally effaced and out of my system, and it was time to decide on a summer for myself. Unfortunately this year I had no plans on beach trips abroad with my friends/family, so I had to find a way to busy myself until a possible holiday later on. I was initially planning on China or Japan again in August, but it's already 8 days in and I don't even know where my suitcase is. Seems quite unlikely now which is a massive downer for me since I hadn't made plans earlier. In the humdrum of waiting for exam results, I went out excessively around London with no purpose in mind, often adhering my mind to exercise rather than extensive shopping. Not very fancy for a holiday, but it at least obsoleted my original plan of staying at home and watching my weight plummet. Late June/early July saw me touring some fine attractions in London in the okay weather. Strolling around South Kensington/Knightsbridge had become the norm and a late night drink catch up with uni friends was I think time well invested.

Around mid July I wanted to do something actually worth my time so I looked around. Many of my friends landed jobs at the Olympics, which I was not so lucky on since I completely neglected the hiring process last year, so I thought I'd have to look for a part time job too. I have several CVs saved onto my computer, but all proved useless because in the end I never posted them out. A stroll to the huge music place in Brick Lane brought me to the the massive advertising wall at the back of the room, with masses of adverts posted by aspiring musicians wanting to form music groups. I had a good long read, and in the end sieved out two attractive projects. One was a 'The Xx' styled 2 man band needing a vocalist, which was not very experienced, the other a string trio with an on and off pianist, looking for another violinist. I contemplated on whether to sing or to play, and ended up choosing the string quartet. I've never done this sort of thing before, calling up strangers and going for a tryout, but it turned out pretty well.

Much more info in a future post about our amazing quartet, but we've achieved a lot in the last couple of weeks. I remember the first couple of sessions where we were breaking the ice were kinda awkward, so we chatted a lot on what we hope for and really got nothing much done. Now we're serious about this Mozart piece and also writing our own piece together. My early morning today is actually for this purpose. In the past weeks I've had to write a lot of music and since I haven't touched music theory for ages now I've had to devote a lot of my time and work really hard. Experimenting is easy, but writing it down isn't simple, partly because I only have the virtual piano on my iPad to work with and one violin when the music is for 4 people. And often the stuff we each come up with will clash and we'll argue about which bits to keep and which to shed. Honestly I've stressed out quite a lot but we're slowly but surely making progress and starting to sound pretty decent.

I'm happy, but there obviously comes the problem of Asian parents who complain that I'm having too much fun and need a proper job that pays a wage. Internship wise I managed to brag myself a short one with the help of my past mentor (won't disclose details due to security issues), so my parents are finallyyyy not nagging me about that, but now they want to see me working and making a contribution to my future rent. Sagacious thinking and all, but honestly? I'd rather stick to my music this summer. I chose maths over music for uni, so I at least deserve this bit of fun over the summer when I'm supposed to be NOT doing maths. I guess for my parents doing music does not produce tangible results like money so they think I'm wasting my time, but to me every note in that Mozart piece is worth more than a measly hourly wage. Writing and playing music, remixing tracks into dawn and going on Tumblr with a cup of tea for a break is to be a good investment of time and excellent substitute to a day of shopping in Milan for example. For one you learn more things than you'd ever imagine, be it mistakes or a breakthrough riff you randomly came up with. Even though your ears maybe buzzing by the end of the day, the satisfaction of loading your own produced track onto your iPod for a first round of sound checking is just indescribable. I try to balance it with going out too. It'd be a lie to say that that gives me inspiration at all, but at least an excursion will clear my mind and destress me for my next rehearsal. With the occasional Prom at the Royal Albert Hall, spot of shopping in Covent Garden, stroll along bankside and late night drink up with uni friends is a perfect way to spend this summer in London. I think. However secretly I know that my parents hoped that I'd land myself a job ASAP and pay for a holiday abroad. That would be nice but I'm farrrrrrrrr too lazy. But I've taken their suggestion and will actually send off some of those prewritten CVs sometime soon.

I've realised the lack of photography on the blog recently, but I'm sorry I just don't take pictures when I'm working. But I'll keep that in mind. For those of you curious on which Mozart piece, here's the 1st movt:

social networks, peer pressure and pride

Okay guys, I'm back with a rant.

Before that, little update with my life. I'VE BEEN SICCCCKKKKK WITH THE DAMNED FLU. Haven't seen daylight for like 3 days now, I've been ill all week and now I'm getting these ghastly sores around my mouth just when that razor in my throat is beginning to diminish.... but anyways exam results are out and that lifted my mood by miles, so now I'm sitting on my bed looking like a lizard, but at least I'm a happy lizard :)

Actually today's rant is linked to results. Yesterday as soon as the clock hit 2pm, my Facebook inbox started to fill up with people asking me what my results were. Some of these people I haven't spoken to in years, and yet they're still so obsessive about knowing about my life lol. Even freakier, I logged onto Tumblr and 3 anons ask me about my results. I mean wtf that just freaks me out. You don't talk to me personally OR online and you expect me to tell you my results through Tumblr? Someone asked why I don't announce my results publicly if I think it's good. And my answer to you anon because I know you are reading is this: Why do you have to know? If I said I got a first, it'll make you feel bad about yourself. If I said I got a third, it induces unnecessary self pride. Most importantly, my result does not matter to you. My results, my achievements, my life. Knowing won't change anything about your life, because you cannot utilise my results for your benefit.

So right now I feel very skeptical about Facebook. Taking yesterday for example, looking at unfamiliar faces pop up on my friends list and uni acquaintances that I never speak to creeping up and liking VERY old statuses doesn't make me feel good. I think it's disgusting/freakish that you may have never have spoken to a person, but if you have their Facebook you may know up to an alarmingly large percentage of their life. Also, I think Facebook statuses in general is a prime case of peer pressure. Because let's face it. Most people only update when something good happens in their lives. When others read about things that people have done that they may never be able to do, it makes them feel awful about themselves. And it's a vicious cycle because everyone would start to only post those positive things online and create this false perfection as they lie to their friends and themselves. So really it's not really a place for friends. Because since when did friendship become as shallow as telling each other what good results they got, what expensive clothes they bought and what luxury holiday they booked themselves?
 
It is so much better if your friends find out how amazing of a person you are for themselves, and not for you to feed them with such information that effectively has nothing to do with them. Opportunities will come for you to wow people with your abilities, and if you don't reveal them idly beforehand it will be more amazing then. I don't know why I always attract all sorts of self proclaimed people telling me about all sorts of 'things' they've done, and it's often the case when the 'thing' they are announcing is super praise-worthy to them but quite a measly achievement for me, and all I felt is not envy but rather second hand embarrassment. My point is this: when you make an unnecessary self-praising status/statement about yourself, you create this false image for yourself in other people's minds that will be extra burden on your back because YOU will have to be the one who has to maintain your 'image'. And honestly, I have never in my life respected a person who has personally INFORMED me of what they have achieved WHEN I HAVE NOT ASKED THEM. It does not impress me, nor does it make me admire you. Rather, all I see is your revolting pride and it's the last thing on my wishlist that I would want to have.

There is a Chinese saying: '王婆卖瓜，自卖自夸', which is translated as 'Grandma Wang sells melons, praises herself as she sells'. It is used to describe a person with no special talents who tries to sell his skills by telling everyone himself how skillful he is, and is a mocking phrase used my people nowadays. In Asia and China especially, people take pride very seriously as a huge lack in personality. If you do not know how to draw the line between confidence and pride, do NOT provoke people by telling them how you've got soandso many A*s in your last exams out of context, ie when they did not ask you, ie they don't care, because chances are they did better than you, and it's certain that someone definitely did better than you. So this is why I keep my mouth SHUT, especially online when people I don't even know very well at uni can so easily stalk my page. In the words of an old friend J.M. (will not disclose name), 'life is just so much easier if you tell people you're stupid.' Save your breath for job interviews.

Peace people, if you hate this rant then click yourself out of this blog. And for goodness' sake, stay humble and keep your own info/curiosity to yourselves. Thanks.

香港，大陆还是新加坡。。现在想是否太早

今天拿中文po，因为观众是华人读者们：）

这几天刚刚考完试，房子搞定后房租+押金乱七八糟还没交就玩儿得像疯子一样，到处逛街搞音乐见朋友，甚至到了追明星的地步（韩国打造的某个天团来到了伦敦，稍微搜索一下就知道是谁了嘻嘻)。现在玩儿累了，生活也应该恢复正常了。我觉得我不能再像大街上的小孩儿一样天天出去只好吃的买时尚的，应该收敛一下想一想这个暑假和明年的安排。觉得哎呦还有4个月的时间，什么不可以干？但其实时间过得很快。

不说找PT工作的事，这是迟早都的干的。现在我收心收了差不多90%，再给我一两天的时间，让我先搬家，让后再准备个人资料啊什么的。我现在坐在房间里郁闷的是明年（或今年）实习的事。本人学的本科是数学加经济，一般像我一样的人已经都有报名合宜的实习工作。大一的一般找不到那种正式的10个星期的实习机会，因为投资银行（十大）都会招聘有经验的，数学本领比较强的大二生。今年能靠自己能力找到的很少，不过下决心后也不是办不到，还有我上个星期才听说其实可以报名当志愿者。我其实认识蛮多今年找到的，比如说在圣诞节期间已经干过的或者马上就要开始工作的。不过他们很多都是靠关系走的后门，这在行里也不是新鲜事。现在只要有机会大家都往上面冲，因为明年的简历一定会更突出一些。

我还没有咨询，但是如果有机会做志愿者的话我一定会干。我说的是到银行去做，要不然没有什么用处。我妈天天叫我不要把目标顶到天上（比如说UBS，JP Morgan，Goldman Sachs，Deutsche Bank之类的），但是我认识的很多人都已经争取到了（大二的), 所以我也想试试。今年恐怕会蛮难的，但是不伸头探探怎么能知道能潜到多深呢。明年，我的梦中计划是到美国纽约做实习生。听说美国和英国的申请难度查不多，而且从英国往美国报还要更难。我有很多朋友报的是一些亚洲集团，比如说那些中国，日本建立起的投资银行/经融机构，名声度也很大，而且他们很喜欢在英国、美国留学的本国生，因为我们英文交流都没问题。比如说我有一位日本朋友在东京的JP Morgan里找到了实习工作，还是在28个面试之后他自己选的（都是在日本的）。他说因为是从英国往日本报，申请过程省略了很多，好像只有添了一个调查问卷加上一篇简略的简历。

所以我的问题是明年要不要试试香港或者新加坡? 那里很招英国、美国的华人。。虽然我知道申请过程肯定不容易（世上没有容易事，除非宅在家里），你们肯定在想‘她是不是太过胸有成竹’，但是大学有提供这样的机会，何必不试一试呢。*叹*纽约还是回到亚洲呢？我家人肯定会想让我呆在欧洲/美洲，好不容易考出去为何还要回来？大家都在挤破头往国外冲，我到好挤破头从国外逃。。

内行的人能不能给我一点建议呢？我承认我只是行业里的一束不起眼的小草，但是我的成绩/学习背景还是满靠前的，而且能够接受问题，承受磨练； 是能够撑得下去的料。谁给我一点建议啊我现在眼睁睁看着朋友们被邀请到各种银行，而自己都不清楚应该从哪里开始。

还有考试成绩15天就出来了。考卷现在是否已经改完了。。。老师们是否在赞扬还是失望还是嘲笑。。。我那答得很差的题怎么办啊。。急死了。求求上帝啊给我一个我能够接受的分数。明年我一定会更努力的。

Change: a brief history of my life

Recently a lot of people have been talking about the topic of change, on both big and small scales. For example, people I know moving to new countries for employment, people who are preparing for uni, people who have upgraded their fashion sense, people who are trying to change their music taste, people who want a new circle of friends, people who want to change something about themselves etc. All the time people are either hoping for change or complaining about others changing. I had a good think over this and thought that it was time to write a little summary of my life in the UK here.

Everyone, including myself, will have changed a lot over the course of their life so far. It's a natural process called 'growing up'. This includes appearance, personality, interests, directions in life. If you think about your life right now, you will definitely have experienced that awkward stage, that life changing moment when you realise who are the friends you treasure the most, what you wanted to be then, what you want to be now. To me, change is a constant process and is essential for anyone to 'better' themselves. People who never change will never achieve new things, because they will never see what is out there for them. It's honestly so easy to change yourself, you might have an epiphany one night and change completely the next day. A friend or event may change you. What I find frustrating though is why people have the urge to hide their pasts when they change. (For example, someone I know who is now an inspiring photographer keeps forcing the impression on other people that he was always an enthusiast for photography and visual arts ever since god knows when. I know this is not true and so it's really awkward for me when I'm around his artsy friends and I sort of have to 'keep his secret' that actually he was never an art enthusiast until very recently. I don't understand why he couldn't have just admitted that he got into photography recently.) For me, to be happy with our present selves is important, but we should also learn to be happy with our past, because every little thing that happened in throughout the course of our lives have brought us to where we are now. Even the sad things because they were the ones that you learn and grow the most from.

I'll be very honest here and tell you a bit about my life. From as far as I can remember up to around year 9, I was a very academic person. Being painfully competitive, I studied loads and topped the class in every subject except from sports (honestly). I was always the modal student, and it made me uncomfortable when others were better than me at something (which is why I hated sports haha). I studied classical music (violin maj+singing) at music school on Saturdays and I remember everyday I was happy but also trying to force myself to be better than everyone, which was extremely stressful. 

From year 9 onwards, a lot of things happened in my life and by the start of year 11, the awkward stage began to hit me. During the those 3 years, I had a lot of opportunities with my music school and music/performing arts department in my college which I took part in. They had me performing in choirs, orchestras and our dance troop locally and around London. I always had violin solo slots in the school concerts and performing became a very addictive thing for me. During that time I also met a lot of my life friends, who are amazing people that opened my eyes to performing arts; for example we set up a temporary band for a local competition in which we played jazz music, and I also got involved in performing Shakespeare plays to friends and local primary schools. Being a senior, I had the opportunity to choreograph (really badly but still) for our dance group, and seeing an audience appreciate something I've created was definitely something that opened my eyes to this field. Those were seriously my happiest days. Everyday I was doing something fun, and since my grades were flawless, a lot of teachers and students who I did not know knew about me and gave me a lot of respect because of my academic abilities and music performances, and I was very self confident (might sound so boastful but I am being completely honest here). Since I was doing well with my violin studies, I had set my eyes on being a professional classical violinist after sorting out my priorities.

Things changed from a trip to China after years of not going back, getting my first mp3 player and having my cousin select the songs for me. I remember really well that JJ Lin was one of the first Chinese pop artists I had listened to. Before then, pop music had never interested me as I was always immersed in classical, jazz and contemporary dance music. Mostly classical music I think. But after I found myself loving JJ Lin, I checked out a lot of music sites and discovered other great pop groups like Fahrenheit, Fish Leong etc. It wasn't long before I discovered Korean group DBSK, and my interest in Asian culture skyrocketed from then onwards. Back then KPOP was the new thing in Asia and it was an exciting new thing. Japanese culture was starting to become very popular in the UK with the broadcast of anime on television and even though I was never into the whole anime thing, I definitely got into Japanese culture and music. I began to grow distant with my old friends and embraced those who also loved Asian culture, who were rare in my area. 

With Asian culture obviously came the 'Ulzzang' era, and even though I was not obsessed I definitely became very influenced. I grew very image conscious and my self confidence lessened a little. My style of clothing changed, I took more notice of my appearance and became interested in the whole social network thing. I remember having a little tousle of hair up as a ponytail with a green bow everyday for almost 2 years. The only music I listened to was Asian music, mostly DBSK and some other artists from Korea, China and Japan, and also classical music due to my study requirements. However, even though I might have missed out on some great music in the Western scene, I was still aware of them because I had friends who listened to all those amazing Western musicians, which didn't interest me then but I had still downloaded such as Pink Floyd, Deep Purple, Belle and Sebastian, Bark Psychosis, Iron and wine, The Strokes, Velvet Underground, Steve Reich etc. And I will never forget growing up with DBSK because through their promotions in Asia and collaboration with other artists I became familiar with a lot of great bands, solo artists and cultural insights from watching the variety shows they went on. I also met a lot of life friends then who are also fans, and life was exciting when I always had new music to look forward to. 

During 6th form, I still listened to a lot of Asian music, but since I moved to a different school a lot of people influenced me with new music. A special someone who is a singer from my music school also introduced me to old skool hiphop, electronica, synth rock, chillwave, new wave, alternative, funk, garage rock, dream pop, folk, more modern indie rock/folk/pop and new age music. The time when DBSK split was a very sad and depressing period for me, because not only had lost such an inspiration in my life, I was also faced with really important life choices such as having to decide between music and maths at uni. There were dark times when I wondered why I had not pursued Visual Arts further during secondary school (I went to art school when I was in China and also got 100% in GCSE Art), as around then fashion started to interest me too. After I settled on maths as it was always my fort and interest beside music, I realised the need to expand my knowledge beyond school level mathematics and so I found myself reading and doing maths in every spare moment I could squeeze out from between college and music school. My KPOP interest naturally died down and was almostly completely gone for a very long time, as I put all my effort in getting all those A*s I wanted. I endured a lot of emotional hardships in every sense of the word, but now I'm just glad I eventually managed to reach my goals. I'm extremely thankful for all the friends I talked to then, and all the music I listened to that helped ease the stress.

Now that I've finished my first year of uni, I am so happy and proud to have met so many amazing and inspirational people, and am even more happy to say that I am now balancing music out with my maths much better than the past year. I always attend concerts and gigs of all sorts, play when I have the chance to, so that I know that even though I'm not doing music now, that professional is still not far from reach. Meeting loads of new Japanese friends was a great plus as I had so much fun learning about real Japanese lifestyles and listening to all those mindblowing underground artists that they have introduced me to. Truthfully, my knowledge of new artists increases day by day. Now that I also know what a maths degree can offer me, I am much more confident with my goals and a great deal more positive about life. A lot of my friends who I have met in the Asian culture hype days are now pursuing careers in fashion, media and design, and through uni contacts also I have met a lot of people in the fashion field which have inspired me on my style greatly. Fashion doesn't speak to me naturally, but it's just getting the right clothes and at least I have these friends to help me out when I'm clueless. Sometimes I even think about working in the industry not as a designer but in the financial side of things in the near future if my maths degree takes me there. 

Throughout the year, I have kept up playing my violin in some local venues, and being around people who also love the music I love, be it dorm mates, course buddies or people pursuing careers in music, I have learnt a lot about music styles and composition. Actually pretty recently I also discovered the new Korean group EXO which strangely reminds me a lot of my happy but reclusive DBSK fandom days. A lot of my uni friends and the ones that have grown out of KPOP hate them, but I really don't care, because EXO is a fandom/network/family that makes me happy, and that's what matters. Besides, I still listen to a lot of music outside of KPOP so I don't know why there is so much hate. Now that I have spare time on my hands I often find myself reminiscing about the old days, and have also met up with some of the music/dance/drama people that I used to jam with. They, like me, have all changed too and it's pretty fun to think back, talk and laugh over all those amazing memories. 

I know that next year, my life will be more focused toward my career in maths/finance/investment/banking etc, but who knows what I will become. I'll definitely change and I'm really looking forward to meeting new people, going to new places, experiencing new things, creating more memories with people I love. I believe that everyone who wants to change should bravely step forward and stop thinking too much about what how their friends and family will judge them. Most people make the most transitions in their lives in their 20s to 30s, as career choices can change rapidly with new interest and opportunities, and since I'm 19 now, I'm really looking forward to what this path can take me. However, I will always treasure my past as well and not be ashamed to tell everyone who I was back then. I also hope that everyone out there can stay true to themselves and never regret the life that they had which has brought them to where they are now. 

Long ass post today so early in the morning, but I always knew I needed to post about my life sometime on this blog so here it is. For all of you that have bothered to read this and leave a comment, this is for you :)

ciao xx

stress relief piano music

It's 7 days before my exams start so I've been trying to study intensively. Still got loads of work to do, mostly practice, and everytime I look at my practise papers just reminds me of the stress times I had during my A Levels. I did further maths, so that means literally hundreds of practise papers to be done. I was completely dying and not coping at that point, but now in uni I don't want to repeat that sort of hopeless feeling, so I made a piano playlist on my ipad and listen to whenever I feel like crying lol.
There are two songs that I particularly like, both new age, I thought I'd share it here:

Reflection I - Song Kwang Sik


Eversince - Yiruma

Good luck revising everyone, it's not too close until the end! I've already planned what I'm gonna do everyday for 2 weeks after the exams lol Orion string quartet is coming to London adfsasdfdsjhfsdhf;ashdfashdfahdfasdf;akshfksadhf

friendship

After listening to hours of dramatic, soul lifting music, I figured I need to speak to my favourite people in order to just move on with life. I've figured that there are somethings that I can't and shouldn't try to relate to, and there are things that I will never have. I want to make myself understand that.

Anyways my besties came over to visit me today, and we poured our hearts out on absolutely everything. It made me realise how much I treasure and how inadequate a person I would be without them. I feel that when we're together, we talk about life problems rather than fuss over short term girl problems in general. Even though at the moment all off us are in pretty gloomy situations, it makes me look down my life path and think that actually, it might be hard but it will definitely not be lonely. 'Life is hard だけど happy' is the most relevant quote to anyone's life.

They gave me this amazing feel-good goodies basket filled with happy things, made me instantly feel better. I'm not a materialistic person, but sometimes very simple things in life are what it take to turn that rusty cog.

Georgia & Rachel, I love you guys!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

welcome to my story.

after a long hiatus from any form of personal blogging, i've decided to come back ^^

i actually have another blog, back in the days, but i wanted to turn to a new page in life and leave that blog to be an exciting chapter.

nowadays, the people around me who have crazed and lived it all with me over the past couple of years are gradually changing~ i'm changing, day by day~ it's a like a sudden revolution that happened naturally of all of us becoming more active in actually achieving the goals we have set ourselves a long time ago. be it work, experience, education or life in general, we are now searching for our most wanted things. it's like a little explosion~ us who were bundled so firmly together have exploded in all different directions, that are currently bound by the walls of London and the UK, but certainly all over the world in years to come.

of course i have my own plans in life, which i think is too premature now to grasp and picture fully. university life is about to start, and i will treat it as a step to achieving my ultimate goal in life.

i want this blog to be, almost diary like, but not too what-i-did-today based. i want this blog to follow what I feel, what I do, what I randomly think of and experiment.

of course, it will include a lot of honesty; highlights of the bad and good, quite differently from how I do it in the past.

so, here's my story, chapter 1.